Saturday, November 18, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Mujrim
...
" Tmhe maaloom hey Jaana!
Key tm bhi ek Qaatil ho
Mere ander ka ek hansta hua Insaan
Tum ne Maar dala hey... "
..
-Wasi Shah-
The ache
..
I m lonely and I jst cant help it.... im lonely beyond belief. people think im not, since i have such a huge circle of people all arnd me. thy think its funny wen i tell them this. they think of me as ungrateful of wht God has given me.me be i am. i dont know. but i really am lonely. really. i just wish smbdy wud atleast believe me. i have nobody to share myself with. people think of me as their best friend, their confidante. but im not. wen im sitting alone, they cum up to me and have this quizzical expression on their face. they ask me, "wht's wrong man?" and their eyes have tht same expression tht says, "wht cud be possibly wrong with you? u have a perfect life!" i dont. i dont have a perfect life. i have nobody i can trust, i have nobody to lean on. i cant make friends cuz they ultimately turn into "people in need of something". im a human being. i get scared too. i have needs too. i dont have wings. i cant fly away or hide in a corner. i have problems too. problems tht are just as painful. my heart breaks just like urs does. my faith dwindles just like u question urs. im not mother superior. im not gifted. i wasnt made this way.
..
i m not strong. im just moulded this way.if i can hear u cry, why cant u see my tears?i didnt plan my life this way. jst the other day, somebody i luk upto told me, "u have a great life! how many 24 yr olds of this world hv a job and earn well while they complete their studies and participate in co cirricular activities.u have amazing talent. u touch people..." why doesnt anybody realize im 24 and not 42... and im in competition with my own self! i yearn to be able to learn, not know everythng in advance; surprised when it suddenly starts raining all of a sudden and not feel tht dim ache in my heart everytime it pours. i have the same dreams. and even though i swear like a man and talk like a 60 yr old, im still a human who gets hurt everytime all of her friends get a mail from his/her lov and his inbox remains empty.im still the guy who would give anythng to have a shoulder to cry on and to be loved even with swollen eyes.
..
Courtesy: Aruj
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Courtesy: Aruj
Friday, July 28, 2006
Happy Birthday!
..
With far too many cars on the roads in Islamabad and far too less friends around me, i wished myself another Birthday this year. I hugged myself, and told me to let all of it go. and then I patted and held myself wen tears began to flow, without any reason at all.
That night wen i sat on my bed, alone in my room, curtains drawn and an abandoned novel by the side, i gave myself some company. i thought about things that came and changed me, for better or worse remains undecided, and i scared myself thinking of things yet to come. its always better to be prepared for the next. i haven't recovered from my past yet
My heart cries most of the times at most things in my life. It cries when normal people shrug and let go. but it cries alone.
..
With far too many cars on the roads in Islamabad and far too less friends around me, i wished myself another Birthday this year. I hugged myself, and told me to let all of it go. and then I patted and held myself wen tears began to flow, without any reason at all.
That night wen i sat on my bed, alone in my room, curtains drawn and an abandoned novel by the side, i gave myself some company. i thought about things that came and changed me, for better or worse remains undecided, and i scared myself thinking of things yet to come. its always better to be prepared for the next. i haven't recovered from my past yet
My heart cries most of the times at most things in my life. It cries when normal people shrug and let go. but it cries alone.
..
How can a simple thing like life be such a complete mess?
To my heart, i said, 'if i gave u my grief, i wouldn't really be left with anything'
To all others, i told em that my birthday went past in a flurry of assignments, projects and celebrations.
The only thing i celebrated that day wasn't even there.
..
To my heart, i said, 'if i gave u my grief, i wouldn't really be left with anything'
To all others, i told em that my birthday went past in a flurry of assignments, projects and celebrations.
The only thing i celebrated that day wasn't even there.
..
I like to treasure little memories in life.the tragedy is that the Soul is itself lost but still I breathe :)
..
Courtesy:Aruj
Saturday, July 15, 2006
One Last Breath
..
I dont know where I am anymore. It's a dark and misty place, a place where shadows sleep, memories weep and heart breaks many times over. The walls are soo tall that no one can climb to the top and each has a window in it. But the windows have long been sealed to keep away from God- knows- what- harm. The harm has already been done. The body has been violated, the soul etched with an impurity, the heart injected with blackness. The shadows grow deep, the light fades away. My misty eyes, nobody sees. My broken heart, nobody knows...I hear somebody laughing. It echoes, bouncing off the walls repeatedly, each time a little fuzzier, a little slow. I strain forward, trying desperately to recognize the source. The voice is no longer there. It was, but, a memory. My heart bleeds a little more.It still doesnt seem to know. My purity stinks from the wretchedness. I roll in self- disgust, I loathe myself. So weak? Oh i was not born like this. Desperate for one look, one touch from the right person... and yet being hurt by nameless, faceless people all around me.A small paper flies past me. Instict urges me to catch it. I look at the fading handwriting. My heart leaps for a moment and quitens immediately. It was a long time ago. There is paper, some words written in lead pencil. Memories stab me yet again. I had cried alone so many times that it had become a habbit, one that actually felt like a part of me, an essential, a necessity...The paper crumbles in my hand and I let go. The faint breeze takes it to the roof, slaps it a couple of times as if demanding some sacrifice and upon receiving the dues, it flies it over the top, to freedom. My dues?, I scream. No voice comes out of me. I slump back.My life is over somehow. I don't need, i don't feel. I don't care. I don't want to. My body commits sins my soul has no control over. My mind makes plans my heart no longer wished to entertain. I fall and don't even try to get up again. I just push the small stones away and lie down, expecting another fall to come soon. I don't want bigger things in life. I don't want small things either...
..
Courtesy: Aruj
I dont know where I am anymore. It's a dark and misty place, a place where shadows sleep, memories weep and heart breaks many times over. The walls are soo tall that no one can climb to the top and each has a window in it. But the windows have long been sealed to keep away from God- knows- what- harm. The harm has already been done. The body has been violated, the soul etched with an impurity, the heart injected with blackness. The shadows grow deep, the light fades away. My misty eyes, nobody sees. My broken heart, nobody knows...I hear somebody laughing. It echoes, bouncing off the walls repeatedly, each time a little fuzzier, a little slow. I strain forward, trying desperately to recognize the source. The voice is no longer there. It was, but, a memory. My heart bleeds a little more.It still doesnt seem to know. My purity stinks from the wretchedness. I roll in self- disgust, I loathe myself. So weak? Oh i was not born like this. Desperate for one look, one touch from the right person... and yet being hurt by nameless, faceless people all around me.A small paper flies past me. Instict urges me to catch it. I look at the fading handwriting. My heart leaps for a moment and quitens immediately. It was a long time ago. There is paper, some words written in lead pencil. Memories stab me yet again. I had cried alone so many times that it had become a habbit, one that actually felt like a part of me, an essential, a necessity...The paper crumbles in my hand and I let go. The faint breeze takes it to the roof, slaps it a couple of times as if demanding some sacrifice and upon receiving the dues, it flies it over the top, to freedom. My dues?, I scream. No voice comes out of me. I slump back.My life is over somehow. I don't need, i don't feel. I don't care. I don't want to. My body commits sins my soul has no control over. My mind makes plans my heart no longer wished to entertain. I fall and don't even try to get up again. I just push the small stones away and lie down, expecting another fall to come soon. I don't want bigger things in life. I don't want small things either...
..
Courtesy: Aruj
Need for Closure
..
Friends give you strength and help you stand firm, facing all the adversities of life. But when these friends ditch you for no apparent reason, you lose the support that held you firm and fall down hard on the floor.
...
While some friendships become stronger with time, there are some that wane and dissolve out of our lives forever. Sometimes the splinters from a relationship dig deeply into your soul, mainly because that particular friend was extremely dear to you and you lost him/her for no apparent reason and they are not letting on what caused the break despite your asking them a zillion times. This causes a lot of agony, but time heals these wounds and you move on armed with distrust when befriending the next person.......whether we want them or not. But there should be some kind of explanation given for this so that everyone involved is aware what has happened. That is the least we owe to our friends, or ex-friends for that matter. But sometimes a friend just backs off and drops all connections with you for no apparent reason; they will not talk to you, not take your calls, not meet mutual friends and will not give you closure. You can't think of anything that could have caused your friend to put an end to your friendship, and it is particularly frustrating when they won't even tell you what happened.
...
Sonia and Maryam had been friends since they were in college and even after they married they managed a relationship in which their husbands were also included, so their friendship continued. Then suddenly, Sonia sent Maryam an SMS and declared that their friendship was over, and that they must never meet again. Maryam demanded an explanation for the sudden cessation of their 20-year-old friendship, but Sonia didn't give any. Maryam was devastated, she could not believe that such a long friendship could be wrapped up so abruptly without giving her a chance to assimilate the situation. She tried to convey her hurt to Sonia, but she came up against it as a stonewall. It was apparent that Sonia didn't want nor cared to continue any kind of communication with Maryam. This episode has shaken Maryam's belief in friendship since she is the type of person who has always cherished her friends; it has made her wary to make new friends now, as she is always expecting to be dumped whenever it pleases the other person.
..
If one has invested a considerable time in a friendship, and one day decides to break ties with one's friends, it is only fair that the one being dumped should be given the respect and consideration of being informed why the relationship is ending.
..
So, next time you decide that you cannot continue a relationship and can't reconcile, at least give your friend the dignity of closure for old (and good) times' sake.
-Unknown-
...
While some friendships become stronger with time, there are some that wane and dissolve out of our lives forever. Sometimes the splinters from a relationship dig deeply into your soul, mainly because that particular friend was extremely dear to you and you lost him/her for no apparent reason and they are not letting on what caused the break despite your asking them a zillion times. This causes a lot of agony, but time heals these wounds and you move on armed with distrust when befriending the next person.......whether we want them or not. But there should be some kind of explanation given for this so that everyone involved is aware what has happened. That is the least we owe to our friends, or ex-friends for that matter. But sometimes a friend just backs off and drops all connections with you for no apparent reason; they will not talk to you, not take your calls, not meet mutual friends and will not give you closure. You can't think of anything that could have caused your friend to put an end to your friendship, and it is particularly frustrating when they won't even tell you what happened.
...
Sonia and Maryam had been friends since they were in college and even after they married they managed a relationship in which their husbands were also included, so their friendship continued. Then suddenly, Sonia sent Maryam an SMS and declared that their friendship was over, and that they must never meet again. Maryam demanded an explanation for the sudden cessation of their 20-year-old friendship, but Sonia didn't give any. Maryam was devastated, she could not believe that such a long friendship could be wrapped up so abruptly without giving her a chance to assimilate the situation. She tried to convey her hurt to Sonia, but she came up against it as a stonewall. It was apparent that Sonia didn't want nor cared to continue any kind of communication with Maryam. This episode has shaken Maryam's belief in friendship since she is the type of person who has always cherished her friends; it has made her wary to make new friends now, as she is always expecting to be dumped whenever it pleases the other person.
..
If one has invested a considerable time in a friendship, and one day decides to break ties with one's friends, it is only fair that the one being dumped should be given the respect and consideration of being informed why the relationship is ending.
..
So, next time you decide that you cannot continue a relationship and can't reconcile, at least give your friend the dignity of closure for old (and good) times' sake.
-Unknown-
Friday, June 23, 2006
Walking Away..
..
Nuthn hurt at tht moment. it all went smoothly. both of us said bye to tht already disintegrating situation. numbness had settled in a long tym back. i thot it wudnt hurt. it didnt! we parted, not gracefully, but we did part... i dunno where to go frm here. mebbe i was never good enuf. mebbe i wus jus too available. ppl tend to be lyk tht. how was i supposed to knw this happens in friendships too? how the fuck was i supposed to know????numbness steeled in deeper.was i in lacking somewhere? i cudnt complain.
Nuthn hurt at tht moment. it all went smoothly. both of us said bye to tht already disintegrating situation. numbness had settled in a long tym back. i thot it wudnt hurt. it didnt! we parted, not gracefully, but we did part... i dunno where to go frm here. mebbe i was never good enuf. mebbe i wus jus too available. ppl tend to be lyk tht. how was i supposed to knw this happens in friendships too? how the fuck was i supposed to know????numbness steeled in deeper.was i in lacking somewhere? i cudnt complain.
..
We had gone different ways. then numbness lost. heart ache returned.my scraps buks n inbox kept filling with evrithing other than her scraps and sms. my lyf went on without her reminders. i started handling my situations without her.i went to the university. i continued my studies. i went on. i didnt call her up.i changed. something inside me changed. the hurt and the pain changed it. a cuple of my friends are in constant contact with her. this is bad enuf. something has happened to me. i dont know wat. ive turned cold... frosty mebbe. emotions dont effect me now. i see people cry infront of me. i just turn away. my sympathies are not there for them any more. i dont have many pictures on my wall now.
..
i dont believe in friendship anymore. i dont believe somebdy cud love me for who i am. besides, i dont even remember my original skin. huh. and i dont blame all of that on one person only. on her only. no. how can he be responsible for all of this? lol. its me. i know. the fact i dont miss her anymore scares me. but i dont. but yes, it feels as if a chunk of my heart is cut off. its hurts constantly. that slow hurt. where you dont recognise the pain. but u identify wid it.he cudnt find any magic in my words anymore. my mistake was i stopped believing in them too. that's wen evrything flew away with the faith. i know sumbdy today who's ready to be by my side for the rest of my life. i dont believe her. i start joking wen he turns serious. isnt this wat lyf is? a big ugly joke?
..
Courtesy:Aruj
..
Courtesy:Aruj
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Friends Forever
Funny how friends say forever,
people never seem to stay together
You told me not to worry, told me not to cry,
you said we were best friends, it was a lie.
I'm here still pretending not to care,
pretending I don't notice you're never there.
You hurt me so bad you will never know,
and the pain I keep inside I will never show.
You'd probably see it if you just tried,
and know how many nights I have cried.
But don't worry I'll be fine,
I'm not the one who left all my friends behind.
-Unknown-
people never seem to stay together
You told me not to worry, told me not to cry,
you said we were best friends, it was a lie.
I'm here still pretending not to care,
pretending I don't notice you're never there.
You hurt me so bad you will never know,
and the pain I keep inside I will never show.
You'd probably see it if you just tried,
and know how many nights I have cried.
But don't worry I'll be fine,
I'm not the one who left all my friends behind.
-Unknown-
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
You & Me
...
I realized today tht its a whole new ball game now. we dont connect to eachother, we hardly feel like initiatiating a simple sentence-conversation with each other and just to make matters worse,we both are fine :D hahahaha! But i won't make her regret every single tear my heart hv shed and I won't make her pay for those little jolts of hurt tht pass my heart every minute or so. I won't. And u know why? Because she wz ma 1st and best friend... ever
-Unknown-
I realized today tht its a whole new ball game now. we dont connect to eachother, we hardly feel like initiatiating a simple sentence-conversation with each other and just to make matters worse,we both are fine :D hahahaha! But i won't make her regret every single tear my heart hv shed and I won't make her pay for those little jolts of hurt tht pass my heart every minute or so. I won't. And u know why? Because she wz ma 1st and best friend... ever
-Unknown-
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